Bruce 的个人资料What a Journey!照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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11月24日 Recipes by Mrs. Hufnagel's Kindergarten ClassTurkey:
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you
put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then
you invite people over and eat. - Geremy Applesauce: Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce." Then you eat it. - Shelby Turkey: First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then you eat it. - Alan Pumpkin Pie: First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it. - Christopher Deer Jerky: Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it. - Jarryd White and Brown Pudding: First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it. - Nicholas Pumpkin Pie: Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it. - Wai (Reprinted from BBHQ) 9月19日 An old one for boomers:Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." Is it a common condition? Well ... it's not unusual. 8月11日 Quick, to the point, accurate:While filling out an employment application, a man paused over this question:
"Person to notify in case of an accident." Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight." 7月22日 A good one!Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!" They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?" 12月18日 A man owned a small farm in New Hampshire.The New Hampshire State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out
to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent. ' Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room
and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes
about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps
with my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the farmer. 12月7日 Tell me this won't happen!
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES: An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. OLD FRIENDS: Now this one is just too Precious...LOL !Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had sh ared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" 12月3日 Normal?!A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and the host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Easy," he replied. "You ask a simple question which everyone should be able to answer easily. If there is hesitation, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'" The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." 11月25日 More Science Exam AnswersQ: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant,love this!) A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A: Premature death. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the Borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, & U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one.) A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight 11月23日 Science Exams and 11 Year-Olds
These supposedly come from science exams submitted by a class of 11 year-olds: "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire." "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube." "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide." I am not sure these answers would come from just 11 year-olds. I dunno... but they are amusing. 10月8日 Words of WisdomBelow are some words of wisdom from graduates of our government schools: "The Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense." "Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head." "Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes." "The system involving barons and lords was called the futile system." "Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife dies, and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'" And, in honor of the day: "Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe." 8月16日 Oh how we love words.These are some... strange definitions. Read them slowly... some may take a second or two to sink in. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does. LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money. MISTY: How golfers create divots. PARADOX: Two physicians. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm. POLARIZE: What penguins see with. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from the couch in front of the TV. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does. And our favorite: SUDAFED: Litigation brought against a government official. 8月13日 The ElbowAn Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? "What . . . . . . .. You coming empty handed?" 8月11日 SNIFFING K-9
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog.' "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy," and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" said his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb." 8月8日 The garden and the fireThe phone rang in the fire department dispatcher's office, and the caller immediately began talking. "I'm 78 and a widow," she said, "and I have such a bad back that it is very hard for me to work in my garden. I..." "Where's the fire?" the dispatcher interrupted. "...have put in a very nice garden, in spite of that, with lovely zinnias all around the border, and it's growing quite nicely which is a good thing, the way grocery prices are these days..." "Hey!" yelled the dispatcher. "Is your house on fire?" "No, it isn't," replied the woman, "but the house next door is, and if anyone calls you about it, I don't want your people stomping around and dragging hoses through my nice garden. Do you understand?" 3月20日 Police CommentsHello. I believe I am back. More to follow.
The following 15 police comments were taken from actual Dallas Police car videos and distributed by Monica Smith, Director DPD, Public Relations Officer: #15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." #14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? " #11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" #10. "Yes sir, by all means you can talk to the shift supervisor if you think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" #9. "Warning? You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you that when you run that stop sign again, I'll give you another ticket." #8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7. "Fair?...You want me to be fair? Listen pal, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in horsey doo!" #6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #5. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." #4. "Just how big were those two beers?" #3. "In God we trust, all others we run through the records department. " #2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail." And....................THE BEST ONE!!!!!!! #1. "Excuse me ma'am? You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? Well, you are right, we don't. Now, sign here." 3月5日 Maybe not too bright so stay away from M&MsAccording to a recent article on nutrition, eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right: colors. Fill your plate with bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I ate an entire bowl of M&Ms. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy. 2月19日 These will make you think!!!We would like believe that corporate America is considerably more competent than the government. But it is also true that the bigger it gets, the more it emulates government. Here are some examples to prove this point: "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (Microsoft) "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) "This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation) "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 1月22日 A new approachA large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. But please, don't eat any of our employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something." 1月15日 Never saw it comingThis one came from Ernie C, a regular contributor to BBHQ. I like it 'cause I never saw it coming. It may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more churches than casinos within the city limits. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they receive chips from many casinos, the local Roman Catholic churches have devised an efficient method to convert the offerings to cash. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting; then the chips are taken to the various casinos of origin and cashed in. The task is performed, of course... by the chip monks! (See... never saw it coming.) 11月26日 Language Problem
Source: Daily1.com |
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